Anchor of Hope

Last weekend I had the absolute joy of going on the women's retreat at my church.  We do it up right at All Souls with a super relaxing, slightly decadent getaway to the lovely Inn at Serenbe (which is soooo my church - Serenbe is like its own working farm + yoga + a little town with cupcakes + wine + a spa + a prayer labyrinth).  I also have a minor freak-out before retreats because it's where the fact that I'm just slightly more of an I than E comes into play (check your Meyers-Briggs if that sentence is confusing).  Part of me wants to meet new people and laugh and talk and share good, deep, true things.  And the other part is inordinately thankful to have a Kindle and roommates who like to go running and yoga-ing and stuff (thus leaving me alone in the room with the Kindle).

Luckily for us ladies, the pastor's wife is also our worship leader so we have awesome music on our retreat.  We sang several new songs on this retreat.  At least they were new to me.  Apparently, if you're in Young Life then you've already discovered Ellie Holcomb.  We sang her song Anchor of Hope several times over the course of the weekend.  This is a rich, rich song with so many different facets of God's character to meditate on, but the words that stuck with me were "He's the anchor of hope for the souls of men." (note: I really, really tried to find a whole listing of the lyrics but came up empty. Internet, where are you hiding these lyrics!?!?)

I'd never, ever, ever (I've also been listening to some new Taylor Swift) thought of hope as an anchor before.  As I began to ponder what that might mean, I realized that I'd always been more of an "elusive-balloon-of-hope" kind of a girl.  I knew that hope was something good, something true, and something real.  Well, I mean, it was going to be real one day and it was kind of real now, or I fully believed now that one day the hope would be real, but it is kind of real already.  So...it's kind of like that whole already/not yet thing.  Although, it seems really, really "not yet" most days in the playing out of day to day life, hence the realization that the way I interact with hope seems more like it's a bright helium balloon with a string that's almost always just out of my grasp.  Every once and awhile I hold onto it for a second, but then it drifts off again.  I like some parts of this imagery - the looking upward and outward and pursing something, but I don't like the not ever feeling like I've really grasped it part.

So looking at hope as an anchor for my soul was revelatory.  Wait a minute, this hope, it's a foundation?  It roots me to my faith, to my God, and to my future.  It actually grounds me when the temptations and stress and fears and trials of this life would cause me to drift too far off course.  It's the nourishment my soul needs in the long hours of the night when healing seems still so far away.  When the depravity and brutality of this fallen world threaten the very fabric of my faith, it's this anchor of hope that provides the knowledge that one day evil will obliterated.  One day, this hope will be finally and fully consummated in the return of Christ.

While I still believe that we're running the race for this hope set before us, it's awfully nice to know that the very same hope keeps me from veering too far off course.

Oh, He's the Anchor of Hope for the souls of men.

Credits:  The balloon art came from this blog - http://ashlieblake.wordpress.com/illustration-friday-drifting/ - on which I have looked at nothing but the page this illustration is from.

Vacation Eve

Tomorrow night I get on a plane and fly away to Michigan to see these awesome girls!  And their awesome husbands!!  And FIVE awesome kids!!!

This picture is from the end of my first year in China.  Just over 10 years ago.  So thankful for my China family!!!

Gratitude 51 - 82

51. the Lumineers

52. the Word of God

53. that He's writing it on my heart

54. song lyric "you're like a Sunday morning, full of grace and full of Jesus"

55. skype

56. great strides toward healing of an ailment I've walked the last 2 1/2 years with

57. Jesus Calling

58. community garden

59. color that conceals roots

60. new paint on my walls

61. fabulous parents (who did a lot to help with the above walls)

62. Mi Taco

63. the Olympics

64. air conditioning

65. the Holy Spirit

66. pay day

67. an interlude with a house to myself

68. that His mercy is new each day

69. vacation with sweet friends on the horizon

70. sitting in front of a fan to journal

71. guys who plan dates

72. my physical therapist

73. my doctor in Charlotte

74. Amitriptyline

75. itunes

76. carpooling

77. a car that works

78. cranberry chocolate spread from Montreal

79. bit torrenting

80. being reminded of the practice of being thankful

81. that the next decision I make doesn't have to be the same as the last

82. that sometimes it's OK to skip the gym and have a cheesestick and ice cream for dinner

Summer Reading List 2012

I just picked up a fresh batch of books from the library (my luck at the library being such that every book I've been on the wait list for comes in during the same week) so I've corralled together books I've started to read or hope to read this summer.  Here it is - the 2012 Summer Reading List - 

I've actually already read 2 books this summer.  So I kicked off the summer by reading Tina Fey's Bossypants by the pool on Memorial Day.  It was really funny although it did take me a couple of chapters to get into it.  I enjoyed the inside peak at SNL and 30 Rock more than the early chapters about her family life.  

After that I read The Garden Intrigue by Lauren Willig.  It's like, I don't know, the 10th book in her Pink Carnation series about (mostly) female spies during the Napoleonic wars.  This one also took me a few chapters to get into as I didn't love the characters at the start, but they grew on me and I ended up quite enjoying it (for the summer beach read it is).  Her books jump back and forth in time telling the story of a modern PhD candidate doing research in Britain about the characters of the historical part of the novel.  The jumping back and forth can be a little disconcerting, but all in all, a nice read.  

I'm looking forward to reading the following (pictured above) -

All of the Sherlock Holmes remaking made me want to read something from the original stories. I'm a fan of both the movies - at least the first one - and the super British contemporary adaption with Benedict Cumberbatch (what a delightfully British name).  Anyway, I jumped on paperbackswap.com and ordered the complete works.  I'm starting with "A Study in Scarlet", but let me know if you think there's a better place to start.  

Next is Geraldine Brooks' March which tells of the story of what Dr. March was doing while all those Little Women were holding down the storm front.  I've heard good things about the book and enjoyed Brooks' People of the Book.  I also have a book of hers about the plague on my kindle that I'm hoping to read at some point.  This was also a "free" paperbackswap acquisition.  

My church is having a women's book club during June and we're reading Flannery O'Connor's Wise Blood.  I haven't read any O'Connor since college and even then I'm pretty sure it was only the short stories.  I have yet to make to any of the actual book club meetings, but I am reading along (and hope to make the next meeting).  So far it's a quick read and pretty dark and twisty, but I have underlined some interesting quotes like this one - 

"There's no person a whoremonger, who wasn't something worst first," Haze said.  "That's not the sin, nor blasphemy.  The sin came before them."

Makes you stop and think, huh?  At least it did for me which is saying something as I tend to inhale words trying to get through the plot and seldom let them steep.

Next up is book called Bond Girl by Erin Duffy which was mentioned like a 100 times in EW (Entertainment Weekly) over the spring.  It's about a recent college grad (spoiler alert: she's a girl who works at the bonds desk of a financial institution).  I got about 60 pages in before I had to bring it back to the library last time.  I decided to try again and see if I'm compelled enough to finish it.  So far, I feel it's a little shallow, but I'm also really interested in what life on Wall Street looked like prior to the economic downturn (and the author actually worked that and did stuff so should know).  

Yep, I read Charlaine Harris' vampire/werewolf/fairy/other weird stuff series (the series True Blood on HBO is based on these books).  I will say that I feel like the books are less racy/gory than what I've seen of the show, but maybe I just feel like it's easier to skim over it in a book instead of having it fully visualized on a show.  I think there's only one more book after this one planned which seems like a good idea. Time to reign the crazy in.  

The Orphan Master's Son is a (fictional) inside look at North Korea.  I'm totally interested/slightly scared  to read what it might actually look inside the world's darkest country.  I've read the first chapter and it's that kind of that shocked laughter type thing.  Like remember when you watched the first season of The Office?  I feel like it's bound to get equally more fascinating and horrifying.

And finally is The Lost City of Z (subtiltle: A Tale of Deadly Obsession in the Amazon).  I saw this book on quite a few airport kiosk book stands a few years ago and had heard that Brad Pitt's production company had optioned the script at one point.  Not sure what happened with that.  (IMDB says "in development" so who knows what that means).  I actually just this minute (when I was flipping to the jacket cover to tell you something about it) noticed that there are pages of pictures inside which usually indicates some part of the book is actually true.  Turns out it's actually based on actual facts.  Go figure?  Still looks good. :)

So, that's the list.  Oh, and I also hope to read The Great Gatsby before going to see the movie.  How I escaped being an English major without reading any F. Scott is a mystery.  

What are you reading this summer?  I love recommendations!!!

Vacation Remix

Last month I was totally privileged (I never spell that word right on the first try) to go on an amazing vacation with one of my best friends.  She lives in Australia, so I hardly ever get to see her, but she was in Canada for work so we met up in San Francisco for a week of fun before she headed back down under.  

Day 1: Meet up at the airport where we're both totally exhausted.  Cassi from teaching for an intense 2 weeks and me from going to a support raising boot camp for work, then heading directly to the Avengers (totally worth it), and then packing, and then sleeping 4 hours, and then feeding the worms and the cats (dark shed with 1000 worms at 5 am - not my fave), and then driving to MARTA.

We got a great deal at the Intercontinental downtown and had fun shopping, walking around the city, eating sushi, sour dough, and cookies.  

Day 2: We packed up the car and had a great brunch at a local place before heading on up the coast to Bodega Bay.

Super Yummy Brunch

View from the rocking chairs at our Bodega Bay resort

Taking break from reading on the rocking chairs

Dessert at the hotel that night

Day 3: We had a very leisurely morning, set out and found a few vineyards and did a bit of tasting, came back and got a warm shell (think hot stone) massage at the spa, had dinner and started the nightly S'mores ritual.  It was Cassi's first time to have S'mores!  

Starting the fire

We found our own sticks (by poking around in their landscaping)

Day 4: After a few false starts, we finally made our way to Bodega Head where we walked along the cliffs of the coastline and looked for whales making the migration back up to Alaska.  We saw some right after we got out of the car, then we walked up and back, stopping along the way to look for more, splitting the ocean in half to have a keener view, and of course, didn't see any more whales until we returned to the parking lot.  Gorgeous view, though!!

View up the coast

Ready to look for whales

Along the path

So, so pretty

 And, of course, we stopped for more wine tasting on the way home.  This is called a wine surf.  

Sunset from our hotel

No day was complete without S'mores!!!  Way to take advantage of a room with a fireplace!!

Day 5:  Today we got up and headed off to Armstrong Nature Reserve (or something like that) to look at the Sequoias. They were amazing!!!  And, of course, there was an obligatory stop off at a couple of vineyards on the way home.  And then we went back to try out the warm shell massages for a second time.  

It's a long way to the top of these trees.

Getting ready for our last night of S'mores!!

 Day 6: It was time to end our vacation and head back to San Francisco.  We decided to take the scenic route along the coast back.  It was beautiful, but maybe not the best idea for 2 girls who both get carsick.  At one point, after driving on curvy twisty roads for well over an hour, a road crewman told us to take a detour.  I felt sick, Cassi had to pee, we were almost out of gas, I was trying to navigate off my phone, and the worker told us there no "close" gas stations - it wasn't pretty!  Fortunately, we found a town within a few miles and then were back on the sweet, sweet freeway. 

One of the places we stopped so I could get a bit of fresh air (euphemism for "not barf")

We spent the last few hours doing really important touristy things like -

getting our portrait made by a street artist

Dead ringers, right?

And stopping off at Ghiradelli!!!

Such a great vacation - I can't wait for our next adventure!!

Mother's Day...eh, Month?

Totally belated Mother's Day post but I've been meaning to give a little link love to these other fabulous women who posted great things in honor of mothers (and not mothers, and want to be mothers, and all the different types of women)


This is from a friend in China.  She's amazing.  And I LOVE this post. (seriously, click on this link right now) It's an open letter to pastors about the totally awkward stand-up if you're a mom on Mother's Day thing.  It's awesome, like in that make you cry kind of a way.  As is the follow-up one. 


And then over at Momastery with Glennon, she posted this excellent poem from Tina Fey's Bossypants. 


Enjoy!  And let me know what you think. 

I Cheated. And I liked it. (ok, just with clothes)

Apparently I'm the type of blogger who's not above using scandalous titles to try and entice readers.  Hmm...learn something new about myself all the time.

What's not a new thing to learn about myself is my struggles with self-control, discipline, doing the thing I ought and not the thing I want.  A lazy vacation morning is the perfect time to do this because what is vacation if not the time when you ignore all the good intentions you set for yourself in regular life (and, ahem, pretend you're actually going to follow while on vacation) - I'm looking at you eating habits, exercise, and budget...and shopping dare.

why hello lovely view of the coast out of my hotel window

Other things I'm cheating with - Chocolate Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting and Warm S'mores Pie - thank goodness for friends to share desserts with!

I did it. I shopped.  It started out so simply.  I went to a Gap to pick up some underwear. This was only the THIRD TIME I'd been inside a clothing store in 2012.  I went to American Eagle to get a birthday gift for my sis in January.  I went to Kohl's with a friend.  And then, no stores (other than 1 or 2 consignment stores where I realized it was REALLY hard to find things to wear) until this Gap in early May.  Apparently, Gap is my gateway drug.


If you're wondering why I'm freaking out about something that seems like a nice normal thing then check out this post where I dared myself to only shop consignment or thrift for the entirety of 2012.  Since I was just picking up underthings at Gap that was legit.  Shoes and pajamas and scarves are a grey area that really just means I'll kind of try not to buy, but if I really just need to buy something, then those are things I'll let myself get away with.  


Anyway, as I wandered through Gap and looked at $36 pajamas to see if it was something I could get away with buying I realized that there was some deeper stuff going on.  Was I just looking for excuses to buy stuff?  Why did I feel this compulsion to shop?  I hurried out of the shop and dashed out of the mall.  However, this project has gone from a let's see if I can do this dare and save some money and maybe attach it somehow to taking a stand against slave labor to introspection about what's really motivating me when I think about shopping and spending money.


Things I've realized (don't worry, we'll get to how I cheated soon).
1. I want new things. ESPECIALLY because it's a new season and other people have new things.  I've become like the most observant person ever when it comes to coworkers new spring clothing items.  Is that new? So cute!  Love it!  As I stand there in my PERFECTLY FINE tops from last year, I look at the new colors and styles and variety and choice and I want so very much to have some of that for my own.  What drives this need to have new things?  Seriously, that's a legit question.  I don't have an answer.  Because as much I chant my "Make do and mend" mantra to myself, I still really, really want a new splash of color or two.  


2. So since shopping at all wasn't off the table (just a lot harder since I had to find a thrift/consignment store) I headed out to Plato's Closet to see if I could pick up a couple of fun new things for vacation.  Plato's Closet had worked in the past when I'd needed to pick up a few things before trip.  Usually those trips were to random, possibly remote, parts of Asia and I didn't particularly care if the clothes came home in one piece which was why I was in a thrift store in the first place.  Anyway, I was in Plato's Closet and even though I didn't love the stuff I was getting, it was stuff and it was something new and it was cheap.  However, I dropped $20 on 3 tops and a skirt I wasn't totally in love with.  Am I missing the point with this exercise if I buy stuff that I don't really love on consignment if I could have a spent a couple of bucks more on stuff I like on sale at a regular store?  Things like that kept popping through my head as I was in the store.


The store, of course, was located in a strip mall that included a Ross and a Marshall's.  "Hmmm"...my totally-skilled-at-rationalizing-anything brain went.  "I could just pop in and see what they have." "Aren't these stores kind of like consignment for department stores?"  "It's not like I'm walking into Loft or Banana Republic."  "I may not even buy anything, it's just looking." Dude, isn't this how all cheating starts, a little slipping, a little rationalization, a little just this one time because it's vacation?


Anyway, I went in and looked.  And looked and looked and looked.  Until I found something I wanted.  Because at this point I was pretty committed to the fact that I was going to break my rule (although, is it really cheating because it's only Marshalls, right?). And then I did find a skirt I love.  A long swirly skirt (that fit!) and was perfect for a California coastal vacation.  And a shirt.  A cute, cute top that I could wear for fun or work and was so much nicer than the ones I'd just picked up at the thrift store.  So I gulped.  And grabbed them.  And headed straight for the register (after looking everywhere for a white shirt to match the new skirt - including the store next door).

And I love them so very, very much.  Well, I've only worn the skirt so far, but it's fantastic.  And now my new clothes and I are off to a winery followed by warm shell (the beach version of hot stone) massages and maybe s'mores in the fireplace to finish the day off.  


And tomorrow or next week or next month, whenever the shopping buy bites again, maybe I'll get closer to answering a few more of those questions and finding out a little bit more about what makes me tick. Because for right now, I'm not shopping again (unless I find a white shirt for my skirt).  At least, I'm not shopping until the next time I start making rationalizations.